Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
