When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
