things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
