Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
