You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
