Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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