All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
