when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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