and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
