We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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