we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
