Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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