What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
