I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
