they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
