can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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