There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
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Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
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I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there