I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(