Ambien. No doubt about it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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