You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
