My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
