How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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