Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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