Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize