broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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