Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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