just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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