I didn't shave. On purpose
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
