Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
