Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
