Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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