shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
