I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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