I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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