it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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