He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
