Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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