can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
