ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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