Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
