Yo dont text me then not text me
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
