when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
