my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
