I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.