Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
