It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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