he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
