I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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