Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
