Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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