i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
