is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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