"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
