we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
did i just pee glitter
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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