Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
