Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
