i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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