just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
